Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to make bad jewelry

It's refreshing to find crafty gallows humor like the ones listed over there in the sidebar of that name to the right. One of my new favorites is Craft Fail, a sort of True Confessions of creative attempts that should just never have been unleashed.

In the spirit of that and of, well, just laughing at myself because I need to today, here is where I spill on...ME! I now present three projects, each with potential in the conception phase, but woefully lacking in execution. (Hmmm...execution...gallows humor...pattern here?)

EXHIBIT A, Filed under "WTH": Plastic bead that just ate it, but not before exacting bloody revenge

Who in the world could mess up these? I mean, how easy-peasy can something get? I followed the instructions. Don't ask me how, but I ended up with what appears to be a green inner ear bone. No, wait--it's a deformed miniature coffee mug! No, wait--it's The Leaning Tower of Teeny Tiny Plastic, with two micro-ropes attached to keep it from hitting the ground! I have no idea what it is, but it sure the heck is not a bead.

Being the optimist Queen of Denial I am, I thought hmmmmm...maybe I could wear it as a funky ring!
Yay! Cool idea...until I put it on my finger and promptly impaled myself with the sharp point inside. Yeeowch! As if that weren't enough, I then realized I hadn't even taken all the stupid soda bottle label off. Tacky, tacky!

EXHIBIT B: The absurdly impractical cuff bracelet--now with random EXTRA glitter!

Happy, happy! A castoff leather cuff bracelet, just begging for a Crafty Bag Lady makeover...all mine! All I had to do was find a new embellishment for it. There were dozens, if not hundreds of possibilities in my stash. Inexplicably, I chose a green pottery rose--not for a moment considering its complete unsuitability for the purpose.

My next hurdle: an adhesive to stick ceramic to leather. Because of the rose's dimensions, I couldn't clamp or put anything heavy on it, so I reached for my good friend Gorilla Glue and thought the problem was licked. Not until it dried did I notice the unsightly yellowish glue halo all around the rose. Ever tried to peel that stuff off of leather? Ever tried peeling concrete off a sidewalk with a spatula?

OK, so I was stuck with it (sorry; corny pun genes in my family.) So then I thought, What's cuter and covers more crafty sins than glitter? Aha! A very Crafty Chica solution! I am so clever! Except that the glitter didn't hide the glue halo as much as draw attention to it like a flashing neon CRAFT DORK sign.

Oh, but I'm stubborn. I would hold my head up and wear my glitter-enhanced gluey green rose and leather cuff and wear it proudly! Except that the weight of the rose constantly pulls the cuff down, snap side up. I am always having to watch that the delicate rose doesn't get chipped, and I can't get the rose off without busting it up. I can't wear it anywhere. It's's haunts my jewelry rack as a reminder that all that glitters is not crafty gold.

EXHIBIT C: Cheerios, pepperoni, and mouse droppings necklace

This is my most infamous handmade-gone-toxic. And like brown eyes, big feet, and a funny-shaped thumb, it is with me till the day I die.

It was the 90's and Fimo was all the rage! Everybody who was anybody was buying the stuff and churning out mountains of intricately designed beads and other gorgeous adornments. Me too! Me too! Can I come into your playhouse? See, I bought some clay of my very own! Cinnamon and beige and black--isn't that an interesting and fun combination? Hey, I'm an artist, just like you! And just look at this classy polyester string! Cool, huh? Huh? And I'll even do nice little knots between the beads as spacers...'cuz I'm so artsy...

Ba da DUMB.

The beads are misshapen and not funky enough to be cool but not nice enough to be acceptable. The knots are tied too far away from the beads. This necklace is so bad that it's been through three garage sales and I haven't been able to unload it for 25 cents. I tried to give it away once; the erstwhile recipient declined. I even put it in a Freecycle box and I swear, the thing actually came back to me! Accckkk!

Thus it is destiny, the necklace and me: together forever, forever together, till death do us part. And I've never touched Fimo again.


PolymerClayTutor said...

OK so maybe I haven't had enough sleep, but I wasn't even half done this post, when I had to leave my desk to go to the bathroom because I was laughing so hard I was afraid I'd pee my pants!!

By the time I got to the Cherrio/pepperoni/mouse dropping necklace, the tears were running down my face!

You are so funny! We need to be friends!

Made a fair share of my own hideous crap! (Have made some good stuff too.) It's all part of being the crafty chicks we are!

Thanks for making my day! ~ Cindy Lietz

Sharon said...

Thanks yourself, Cindy! Very encouraging to read your comments. Welcome to my blog! Want to trade links?

Cilla said...

LOL But in the process of making bad jewelry, they might make wonderful laughs. :-D You certainly did!

Leah said...

Cheerios. Seriously. ^__^ But hey, at least you craft!

Anonymous said...

Great post, Sharon. I want the necklace!

L. S. King said...

See - this is why I don't craft. I'm just not crafty enough and would end up with horrible failures and I don't have the humor to at least blog about them.

I can still remember (nightmarish shudders inserted) the macaroni-glued-to-construction-paper project I had to do as a kid in school. *cringes in memory*

Figures a guy would want the necklace. Ask him what he wants it for. LOL

Kathy Cano-Murillo, The Crafty Chica said...

Ahhh, love these, you crack me up!!! been there. Our crafty fails are our badges of honor!! And actually, these aren't all bad, if you hadn't of said anythign, i would have noticed!! Although, i HATe gorilla glue too, that stuff has made me cuss so many times in the past. It freaks me out how it keeps puffing up yellow stuff. anyhoo, love your blog, thanks for the shout out!!!!

Kimmywizzie said...

I too LOL at your post because I've sooooo "Been there, done that!"

Thanks for letting us laugh at your expense this morning!

Sharon said...

Kimmywizzie, it's a pleasure to meet you and thanks for the comment! Come back anytime!

Klay Kisses said...

Sharon, you rock! My kinda woman. Love your blog. I'll be back. P.S. I would be honered to have your necklace. I am me think....possible wrap it around a small tera cotta pot? No...I will think of something clever and get back to you. I have plenty of experience with the good-gone-bad side of crafts. I have a basement full to prove it. If I could post the look on my husbands face when I come to him with something I am proud would die laughing. It is always that "second look" when you say, "what the heck was I thinking? Those colors don't even go together!" And since I like you too much, I could not do that. I blame it on the lighting. (Still waiting for my new lights!) I think he's on to me. Great post! Thanks for sharing it.